Things Vegans Wish to See in the World

They are not what you might think.

Being a vegan sure has gotten easier these days, but despite what many might think, it’s not quite plain sailing. From miserable restaurant outings featuring paltry salads to “But our ancestors had canines” comments, the dire reality is that we’re far from living in the plant-based utopia that vegans envision. Here are some things that vegans daydream of while marinating our tofu and make home-made almond-milk ice cream (just kidding, we buy that stuff at the store).

For restaurants to be banned from bragging about serving vegan dessert when the only vegan dessert they have is lemon sorbet

For the words “genuine leather” on shoe and bag labels to be followed by “unfortunately”

For there to be one single movie, book or TV series character who is a vegan, but also somehow not a patchouli hippie who spends the entire episode reading people’s auras

See also: for movie characters to consume any vegan food without acting like they are forced to eat out of actual rubbish bins (bonus points if they also refrain from gasping orgasmically while devouring a Big Mac in the very next scene)

For there to be free strawberry-pineapple smoothies everywhere. Obvs.

For all cappuccinos to come with oat milk by default and those who want dairy have to ask for it and pay 30p extra

For dating apps to offer a filter that blocks you from seeing anyone who holds a dead fish in their profile photo

For pizzerias to be shut down if they operate a system where if you remove the cheese it costs the same but if you ask to add extra artichokes there is a surcharge

For some kind of fashion governing body to forbid brands from making coats that are perfect in every way, except they contain 8% wool

For cafès to stop labelling cakes with a V, only to reveal that the V stands for vegetarian. Thanks so much for clarifying that the muffin is vegetarian, I was fully expecting it to contain pork scratchings and fried chicken

For airlines to email you a photo of what a vegan meal might look like before you decide whether to book with them

For the phrase “just pick the meat out of it” to carry a prison sentence

For a memo to be sent around to all food-producing companies informing them that there is no law that says milk powder has to be included in every single product known to humankind

For there to be an official hospitality task force dedicated solely to ensuring that all hotel breakfasts feature vegan croissants (I said croissants, not fruit salad)

For the raw-foodie influencer who only eats organic chia seeds to be referred to as anything but “vegan” in the news articles about her children being malnourished

For denim brands to realise that nobody ever needed, wanted or asked for that leather patch on the back of the jeans

For fur-wearers to be treated like smokers. Make them stand outside in the cold. If that coat is as warm as you say it is, I don’t see the problem

For it to be illegal to call it a “vegan burger” if the patty is a mushroom, for the love of god

For fashion companies to stop ruining perfectly good vegan-friendly jackets with a silk lining

For an AI that automatically changes every “mmm, bacon” comment into a video of a goat and a puppy who are best friends

…of course, what vegans really wish to see in the world is animal liberation, compassion and basic respect towards all living beings, and a more widespread understanding of the fact that all animals are sentient individuals who deserve respect. But occasionally I like to bring the message with a bit of humour - and sometimes spice it up with some sarcasm - where possible. Have a nice day!