Things Not to Say to Your Child-Free Friend

Just ask us about our cats instead, trust me

Being a child-free person is sort of like being vegan: the only difficulty about it is dealing with other people. Since I approached my forties, people around me seem to have made their peace with the fact that I’m not going to procreate, so I can now breathe a sigh of relief after over two decades of pressure, prodding, and highly unsolicited “concerns”. If you are a fellow child-free person, you might find yourself nodding along at some of these. If you’ve ever said these things, don’t worry - if it’s any consolation, you’re not the only one. We hear them constantly, and although we might be momentarily irritated, we don’t love you any less (as long as you live and learn, and never say that to any human ever again).

That’s not even our dog, although we do love her like our own (child)

Without further ado, here are the greatest hits that all of us have without a doubt heard on repeat:

What if you change your mind?

Ah, that old chestnut. Listen, when you told us you were pregnant, our reactions were things like “congratulations”, “that’s amazing”, and “let me throw you the most epic baby shower of all time - I know a great place to get cake.” We didn’t ask whether you were worried about changing your mind (and please don’t tell me that’s not a thing). Try to understand that our child-free lives bring us joy, and you insisting that we will change our mind is basically saying that this liberating choice isn’t valid. Anyone can change their mind about anything, that’s just life. We’re aware of the risk and we’re still choosing this. That’s how sure we are.

You don't know what "tired" means until you have children!

Child-free people might be tired for a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to) taking care of elderly relatives, caring for companion animals with a variety of health needs, and picking up the slack at work when parents need to tend to their children. Please consider also that you might not know if someone is dealing with a medical issue that makes them feel tired. Instead, if a child-free colleague complains about feeling exhausted, see it as a joyful opportunity to bond in bitching over your company’s crappy overtime policy.

You'll want to have kids when you meet The One

This reduces loving partnerships to the purpose of solely procreating (how romantic!). Love can exist on its own, without being a vehicle for baby-making. Plus, everyone’s path with romantic love is different. Some people aren’t searching for The One, others believe in multiple Ones, some might have found The One and lost them to a tragedy. And let’s also keep in mind that not everyone even wants to live in a couple. The One isn’t necessarily for everyone.

You don't know what love is until you have children

And thank God for that. Having a husband already means that 80% of my time is spent worrying - is he going too fast on his motorcycle? Is he taking the vitamins I got him? Is he going to break his leg skateboarding again? Since I am not very smart, I have now also brought dog-sitting into my life, to further add to the list of worries: will she eat a chicken bone from the seafront and choke? Will she run out into the street? Maybe she is in pain or depressed and I cannot tell? Every time I catch myself in this type of anxiety (which is all the time), I am so grateful for not having children. Imagine what that kind of love would do to me.

But what about your partner? They would make such a good mother/father

I’ve had this said to me, and it was absolutely awful. I laughed it off but it hurt, and it was even more painful to have to pretend like it didn’t. This is such a delicate conversation that’s for every couple to have in private, and for no one else to butt into. But generally, if you absolutely must know: our partners are adults, with their own free will, and if they wish to exit the relationship to pursue a desire to have children, they are free to do so. It is offensive to imply that one partner force such a monumental decision on the other.

Who will look after you when you're old?

The same people who will look after you: trained elderly care professionals. Your kids will be off living their lives. Or at least I hope so.

I was like you once. Then I had kids.

This is quite infantilising. For me personally, it makes me feel like I’m still a little girl playing with dolls: “it’s just a phase, it will pass when you step into your real life.” If you are a true friend, you will see your friend’s happiness as real and worthy, not just a passing fancy. Even if it’s different from yours.

You must have so much free time. I'm jealous.

Once again, you don't know the details of a child-free person's day. They might have things going on that you have no idea about - some of which may not be pleasant. And even if they did have a lot of free time, that’s a choice they made, just like you made the choice to be a parent. Are you allowed to complain about that choice? Absolutely! I’m the queen of complaining about choices I made in my own life. If you want to whine about your kids, your husband, your job or anything else, then I’m your girl. Come on in, have a Prosecco, put your feet up. But just for a little while - I have a ton to get on with, even if it doesn’t involve school runs.

That's such a pity that your parents won't get to have grandkids.

It might be, yes. But for a child to exist just to make grandparents happy? That’s a huge pressure to put on a child.

What if you get pregnant by mistake?

This was said to me by friends who are parents, years ago. Getting pregnant by mistake is one of my number-one nightmare scenarios in life and I prefer not to think about it, beyond protecting myself as much as I can. These friends insisted on knowing whether I'd keep the baby, and the conversation got really uncomfortable. Why would people who claim to be your friend insist on wishing something you don't want on you? I know that being a parent isn't always easy, and they probably wanted to share the burden with more parent friends. But since my teens, I'd been clear that while I’d always be there for coffee, cake and gossip, I would be opting out of diaper-changing, thank you very much. If you want to be a good friend (and why wouldn't you), then stop wishing unwanted pregnancy on your friends.

Finally, a massive reminder: you have no idea what people are going through. Your friend might actually be involuntarily childless and trying to make the best out of the situation by embracing a child-free life. Their relationship might be on the rocks, their finances might be in jeopardy, or there might be health issues that make them doubt parenthood. Or, you know, maybe not. Maybe they just don’t want kids - that’s their choice to make, and it’s a perfectly fine one (zero regrets over here). When someone tells you they’re not planning on having children, accept that as the truth and offer your support and understanding. That’s the only way a friend should act.